in a place more aesthetically pleasing than this
by Reality Killed Us
Summary: "We've got two weeks. Two weeks of just you and me. No work, no cases, no expectations. Just you and me Kate, you and me". Dealing with the aftermath of Castle killing Bracken, Kate begins to lose herself. Thus embarks the duo on an impromptu road trip that changes them, for better or for worse
1. Chapter 1

_Another full length story for my loves. Procrastination may hurt my grades, but it's great for my writing_

**DISCLAIMER: disclaimer. **

* * *

In the end, it's Castle that shoots him.

Bracken and her, they're even now. So she had always known that the next time they met, one of them would die. And every night between then and where she stands now, she had prayed it wouldn't be her.

She's only been married to Castle now for 3 weeks. She doesn't want to die. Not yet.

Yet there here, standing in this cold dark warehouse chasing down a lead, when she feels him grab her and pull her towards him. She's aware then, that it's either going to be her or Bracken that walks away from this. There is no way that both of them are surviving this time.

She looks at her shaking husband, that wonderful man who can craft worlds with his bare hands and his brilliant mind. He's got a gun trained on Bracken, but she knows she's in the way. So she looks at him, pleading with her eyes for him to just leave and get away from the danger. She's not going down without a fight, but it's not his fight to lose his life over.

And hey, 3 weeks is better than nothing right?

So she fights, channeling all her energy to just getting away. She hears a gunshot pierce the air, and she knows this is it.

She goes down, but she's not the one who dies. She's lying in blood, but it's not her own. Bracken lies dead at her feet, with her flustered and frightened husband at the other end.

And it's all over.

Part of her wants to be angry that it wasn't her that ended it all. She wanted the satisfaction of watching the light flicker out of his eyes. She wanted to finish him, because of all the things he's ended that belonged to _her. _

But then again, she had been more focused on the cool metal of the gun rammed into her back.

She'd rather die at the hands of Bracken than let him take another life; another parent of a daughter, another spouse, another human being who is so remarkably loved.

But when Castle shoots him, it all ceases to matter.

But it doesn't stop hurting.

* * *

She spends the next few weeks numb to the world and thoroughly confused.

She wanted him gone, wished with every fiber that Bracken would pay for his crimes. Pay for what he did to her.

But he's dead, and her mother remains dead, and suddenly she feels like she isn't herself anymore.

It's childish, and she knows it. She is more than her mother's case now. She's been that way since Castle forced his way into her precinct and into her life. She is a friend, a wife, and a reluctant muse. She isn't the young officer who spends her nights alternating between reading case files and pulling her alcoholic father out of the street gutter. She has a life now. A home.

But she still wishes she had at least been able to shoot him herself. Than maybe she would get some answers for the hell she's been living in for so long.

It's been one hell of a ride. But now that she's off it, now that it's finished, it seems woefully inadequate.

She doesn't tell Castle any of this. She knows she should, and she does try. But every time she begins, her tongue gets heavy and numb, filling her mouth with so much unsaid regret and shame that she almost chokes. So when he asks her what's wrong, she shrugs it off as stress and exhaustion.

And this works for a while, or at least she thinks it does, until she wakes up sobbing and shaking, and he knows she's never really been okay all along.

He soothes her, or tries to at least. He runs his broad hands through her hair, pulls her into his arms and hugs her so tightly that all she can feel is the pressure of him. He tells her she's amazing and beautiful and more than words could ever describe, and she responds that she doesn't even know who she is anymore. She cries out for her mother.

She wakes up the next day, not by an alarm clock or by a phone call, but by the soft afternoon light filtering through the window and the quiet clamor of what sounds like her husband rearranging furniture. She walks into their living room, wiping the sleep and exhaustion off her face and trying desperately to not let the depression settle back onto her shoulders and goes to see what he's doing.

He's there, in the middle of the room, with two suitcases wide open. One is filled with his things; shirts and pads of paper and the aftershave that Kate absolutely loves. The other is filled with hers, sweaters and jackets and boots appropriate for the autumn weather, along with her favorite books and travel accessories.

He looks up at her, and notices just how tired she looks. Tired not from lack of sleep, but from trying to pretend that she's okay.

She's not breaking anymore. She's just broken. The glue of revenge and resolution worn thin by reality and the simple truth that it seems like her life is lacking _something. _

"Are we going somewhere?"

He stands up, and pulls her into him. And to her part, she doesn't completely resist like she normally does. She falls into him, allowing him to support her, if only for a second.

"We've got two weeks. Two weeks of just you and me. No work, no cases, no expectations. Just you and me Kate, you and me"

She starts to protest, albeit weakly because she doesn't have the strength she used to. But he quiets her, pulls her back into him like she shouldn't have left in the first place. She wonders why she had.

"You don't have to be okay all the time Kate. Not with me"

"Okay let's go."

* * *

_Short, per usual, but there is more coming ( if you want it). Feel free to be brutally honest about this one. I'm v. sleep deprived and a bit crosseyed. College kills kids. _

_You all know the drill. Review if you liked it, review if you didn't, review if you can't deal with the month without Castle/the spoiler pics of her on the swing ( I am dead)_

_don't forget my blog either reality-killedus . tumblr . com (without the spaces loves. but I'm sure you all knew that) _


	2. Chapter 2

_chapter 2 for you dears. You all know the drill_

**DISCLAIMER: disclaimed.**

* * *

They leave that night.

Kate spends most of the day curled in a ball in their bedroom. She wants to help pack, to go to work, to do something. But the world weighs down so heavily around her that she feels like she's moving through fog.

Castle does his best to help her through. He brings her back to bed, and pulls the blankets up to her chin like he would with Alexis when she was young. He leaves her there with a gentle kiss on the forehead and a promise for a better future and leaves to go pack their bags.

She plays conversations with Burke through her head like reruns of favorite tv shows. They serve the same purpose as Temptation Lane, a blanket of security, something to hold on to when everything else seems to be spinning away.

"Losing your mother, or anybody you care about, it will generate hundreds of questions" he had reminded her "and there is nothing anybody could say to really answer why. You could have sat and listened to him list of his lofty goals for saving New York or his political campaign, and you would still felt like you were missing something. When you lose someone you love like that, there are no true answers or neat endings."

Still, she had been hoping for something. Some closure. Maybe then she wouldn't feel like she's failed her mother. Failed everyone

When Burke's wisdom loses it's comfort she changes her focus to listening to Castle as he moves through the loft, preparing for their impromptu vacation. She closes her eyes and focuses on the scuff of his feet, and it's almost like she's out there with him, instead of curled up in the dark and shattering apart with each breathe.

She listens to him call Gates and request for all of the time off she's never taken. She listens as he argues slightly with her, but winning in the end because he is always so damn convincing.

She listens when he calls Gina and Paula, telling them he'll be gone for a few weeks and to only call him if it's an absolute emergency. She can hear their dissatisfaction through the static of his cell phone much like with Gates, but again he perseveres, and the phone call ends with a bitter publishing company and in Castle's favor.

She listens when he calls her father too. She listens to the way Castle's quiets himself, his deep reverberating voice falling to an almost whisper. He doesn't want her to hear, but she listens. She listens as Castle assures her father that she will be all right, and that he's taking care of it. She lets his voice surround her.

It's only then she can fall asleep a little easier.

* * *

Castle had known she was in trouble before the breakdown. He had watched as she began to withdraw, as she rebuilt her wall brick by brick.

He saw it, but didn't stop it. He never has hated himself more.

Part of him argues that there's not much he could have done. _You can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink_ and all that. But the overused clichés fall short in his mouth when he wakes up with his beautiful Kate screaming in her sleep for her mother.

He knew she had once preferred to do this alone. But it's not that time anymore. Even if she wants to be alone, he's not going to let her.

She's already snapped at him. Yelled at him for paperwork and messing up her coffee and the fact that sometimes it rains in the mornings. She's already been mad at him. But it can't be worse then when she's not speaking to him. It can't be worse than watching her break into a million tiny pieces in front of him because the man that killed her mother didn't tell her _why. _

So he makes calls and breaks promises and cashes in almost every favor that he's ever had (and some he did not) just to get them out of here. They need to leave this cold city behind for a while. Gain some perspective.

So he packs while she sleeps. And he hopes that when she wakes up she won't berate him for all of this; come to her senses and realize how foolish and ill thought through it is. Because he doesn't have a plan to speak of, not really. He just knows they need to get out, and he hopes that she sees it that way too.

So he cooks and he cleans and he packs. He makes her favorite dinner and plays soft jazz music to calm himself as much as to calm her. Kate's the strong one, the infallible, indestructible one. So when she does break, it tilts the world's axis.

His mother comes home, and his daughter soon after. They both notice the suitcases by the door but wait until he brings it up. Manners and what not. They don't want to pry.

So he tells them that they're leaving for a while. Taking a break, as it were. He leaves out Kate's nightmares and mood swings and the reconstruction of her walls. He certainly doesn't bring up that he feels like he's grasping at straws, trying to fix a broken damn with chewing gum and masking tape.

But, he reminds himself, if it holds it holds. It doesn't matter how it's fixed if it's not leaking water.

He wants them desperately to continue holding. He won't let Bracken take this from her as well.

* * *

She wakes up to the smell coffee and ambient noise.

She dresses quickly; a pair of simple black leggings and one of his white v-necks that swamps her thin frame. Quickly raking her hands through her hair, she rubs her the sleep out of her eyes and walks into their living room.

Martha and Alexis are there like they always are. It's a nice sense of normalcy; seeing Martha and Castle battle in the kitchen with Alexis curled up in the corner with a book. It's unfaltering.

"Oh hey, I was just about to wake you up."

She smiles at him slightly. Richard Castle is nothing if not a dedicated caretaker to those he loves. It was one of the first things she fell in love with him for.

It's also what makes this so hard, the fact that she's angry at him for protecting her, for killing Bracken before he could kill her.

She doesn't hate him, she never could. But she does hate herself for being angry with him, even if it's only for short, fleeting periods of emotional weakness

He offers her a coffee and dinner, which she accepts, though she really only ends up picking off of his plate. He kisses her on the forehead though, which makes her feel so much warmer and awake then the cup of steaming coffee that she holds in between her cold hands.

Her world is still spinning more than it should. But when it's just them, it doesn't feel all that bad.

So they clean the dishes and finish packing and he helps her put on a jacket and she picks out her favorite scarf for him to wear ( it matches his eyes) and it's almost normal. It's almost as if she's okay.

They pack the suitcases into the back of his black town car and hug Alexis and Martha goodbye. It's like running through the motions of some script that they've been provided. Kate just wants to sleep.

So she does do that. She curls up in the passengers seat, with her feet up against the dashboard and closes her eyes. She focuses on the way his thumb traces over her hand and arm, grounding her.

She calculates that by the time she wakes up, they'll be in the Hamptons. Then she'll have time to read a book, cook a meal, do something, before sleeping again.

She needs to do something

The quiet staccato of the rain against the windshield is brings her out of her sleep this time.

She hasn't slept long, she notices. They're just out of the city now. The rain and the soft light from passing cars on the highway dance off of Castle's features, making him look even older than normal. She hopes it's not because of her.

It's then, as they pass a road sign, that she realizes they're going the exact opposite way of his house in the Hamptons.

"You're awake"

It's quiet and tentative, but not aggravatingly so. He's not handling her like she could break at any moment. He's just quiet. It fits with the mood.

"Where are we going Castle? The Hamptons is the other way. "

One hand drops from the steering wheel and comes to hers, weaving their fingers together.

"When I first found out that Meredith was cheating on me, I flipped out. Screamed and yelled and flipped a table. I stormed out of my own apartment, and told her if she wasn't gone in three days I would force her out. And so I went to go pick up Alexis from daycare, and when I was driving her back I realized that I had inadverntly made myself homeless. So I got in the car, and I started driving. And Alexis asked me where I was going, and I was freaking out because I realized that I really didn't have any clue, and that her mother was leaving, and that her whole world was going to fall apart. So I told her that we'd go wherever she wanted. She just had to pick any random number, and whatever number that was, that's the exit we'd get off."

Kate lets out a deep breathe. This isn't what she was expecting.

"Where did you end up?"

"We spent three days driving around the suburbs in New Jersey. We slept in random Bed and Breakfasts and parking lots. But it did make it a lot easier, when I had to explain just why her mother didn't want to live with us anymore."

Kate is silent to this too. This is the most he's ever really opened up about Meredith or Alexis or that part of his life.

"So what do you think Kate? Pick a number?"

* * *

_There we go lovelies. It was a labor of love, but it's worth it. Let me know what you all think. positive or negative, here or at my tumblr: reality-killedus. You're all fantastic. _

_I'm still not over the spoilers though. send help_


	3. Chapter 3

_Chapter 3 is here. Sorry this took so long. My muse was strangled by finals_

**Disclaimer: disclaimed**

* * *

This is the definition of insanity she thinks. There is no plan in place, no security. He's made no reservations, has no itinerary, no back up plan. It takes all of her strength to stop herself to tell him they need to go home.

But here she is, with her feet on the dashboard and the city melting behind them into a thousand different shades of red, and it feels like it might not be the end of the world. She watches as the lights of passing cars dance off her wedding bands, and realizes that she really aught to at least give it a chance.

So she picks a number, and she can tell the Castle isn't pleased that it isn't huge, and won't take them that far away from where they are now, but she doesn't want him to fall asleep at wheel while chasing away her darkness. Also, she's too distracted by the mix of the hum of the radio and the feeling of running her fingers through the baby hairs at the base of his neck to really care.

They hit the hour mark, and Castle's chatter has slipped into quiet humming. Rain falls lightly against the car, and she traces the falling rain drops with the tip of her finger. She tries desperately not to fall asleep again; using her other hand to dig into the flesh of her palm and leave half moon scars.

It's not the nightmares she's afraid of. She just doesn't want Castle to see. When they're in the loft, and she wakes shaking and tense, she can at least walk away to center herself. There's no extra room here though. She knows she won't be able to hide this from him forever.

"Go to sleep if you want. I won't let you miss anything."

"I'm not tired Castle. Really"

"Your drooping eyes tell a different story."

"Well if I fall asleep, whose gonna make sure we end up were we're supposed to be"

"Oh ye' of little faith."

Faith is a relative concept, but she's never had little faith in him, not really. She's always known that he's a wonderful, trusting man.

Still, she wished she could have shot Bracken.

* * *

They pull into the sleepy town of Wethersfield Connecticut around 10.

They drive slowly down the main street, navigating through the rows of manicured laws and stately houses. It's quaint, the whole set up. It reminds Castle of a movie set.

They pass a house with yellow walls and pale blue shutters and a for sale sign, and he wonders if one day, their own children will be learning how to ride their bikes on a quiet street like this one.

He see's their oldest, a boy maybe (not that it mattered to him as long as it was with her) running down the street with his torn red sweater flapping behind him. Their second would follow close behind; smaller legs working hard to keep up.

And then behind them all would be Kate, with their last, their third, helping the child learn how to walk while calling out to her others to watch for cars. She would reprimand Castle for telling them to race down the road, then kiss him despite their children's protests.

She wouldn't be sad. Not like she is now anyways.

Bracken would cease to matter.

"You have any idea if there's even a hotel here? I think I may be too old for this sleeping the back of a car business."

"Where's your sense of adventure?"

"We're not sleeping in a car Castle."

He grumbles, she laughs, the car makes a left turn on to a deserted street.

And there, at the end of the street is a small farm house with the lights still on; a B&B sign barely holding on by rusty hinges

"Does that work?" Castle asks, pointing to the old house, and she doesn't really see another option.

So they pull into the gravel parking lot, and Kate tries not to shiver as the cold New England night settles into her bones. She focuses instead on the way the waterlogged leaves move beneath her feet and counting seconds between raindrops.

They knock on the door, the sharp rapping of Castle's knuckle contrasting to the overall silence of the neighborhood. Five minutes pass, and he knocks again. Now the silence is filled with the chattering of her teeth, and she resigns herself to a restless night in the back of their car.

She's two steps away from exiting back into the rain before Castle pulls her back. She can tell by the look on his face that he's grasping at anything, that he doesn't want their adventure to fail so soon into the game.

"Let's just see if somebody is inside."

She follows as he jiggles the door open and walks quietly into the house. They enter into the dark front hallway. The only light comes from a small lamp sitting precariously on the edge of a table, casting multicolored shadows across the walls covered in picture frames. Kate feels like she's stepped into her grandparent's house.

There's a rustling, and Castle shrinks closer to her (though he'll never admit it). An older woman approaches, gray hair tied back in a bun and shoulders covered by a shawl.

"Oh hello dears. Looking for a room?"

"Ah yes." Castle sighs in relief, because it's a room and not the car, and he can feel Kate falling asleep against his shoulder.

"And for how long dear? We've got a few people up here for leaf peeking season."

"Just the night. I think we'll be on our way tomorrow."

"Sounds perfect." The woman balanced her tip of her nose while she pulls out an ancient receipt book that looks as battered as the carpet that they stand on.

"Name?"

"Castle. Rick and Kate"

"Rick Castle? Like the author?"

"The very same"

"Oh I'll have to tell my husband. He's such a big fan. This is so exciting. We've never had anyone famous here."

Castle can feel Kate slump against him more. She hates this, when fans gloat over him. Only thing she hates more is when they gloat over her.

"And then you must be the cop he bases Nikki off. That must be so exciting, being a muse. So romantic."

"It's certainly something" Kate remarks, trying to hide her discomfort. She doesn't want to tell this old woman about all the negatives that come with the positives, or the stress that comes with a man looking at her like she's the only thing left in the world. She doesn't tell her about her fears and realities, and about how she's pretty certain that he'll soon figure out she's not that interesting anymore.

"Well, you both must be exhausted. I'll take you to your room. I'm Bonnie by the way. And we're thrilled to have you here"

They walk up a battered staircase, passing door after door until they get to the end of the hallway. Bonnie pulls out a ring of keys, trying to fit each one into the door before getting to the last one. And with one final push, the door is open and there's a bed in sight and Kate can feel her eyes closing completely.

"Everybody usually comes down for breakfast at ten. But feel free to stop by whenever you two wake up. It was nice meeting you both. Sleep well."

Kate falls on to the bed before the door is even closed, peeling off her shoes and jeans and sitting only in a baggy t-shirt and her underwear.

Castle is close behind her too, in an equal state of undress. He looks at her, eyes wide with confusion and worry. God she hates it.

"I'm fine. Let's just go to bed."

The bed is smaller than their used to, so their proximity is forced. He wraps his arms around her, she tangles their legs together. It forces her to realize that he's there, that at least for the night, he's not going anywhere. And for that moment, she knows she'll have to make it enough.

But the nightmares still come. Because they always do.

* * *

_There it is. The journey begins. I'm also still not over last night's episode. My heart melted all over my dorm room floor. Anyways, you all know the drill. Review if you like it, review if you didn't. Also feel free to hit up my tumblr at reality-killedus and see how discombobulated my life really is. _


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